she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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