Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
