the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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