I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
