I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
