Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize