the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
