I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
