just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sarcasm needs its own font
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
