when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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