Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
