Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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