Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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