Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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