But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
