She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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