hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
