Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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