I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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