you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
