She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
