there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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