I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize