My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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