this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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