He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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