You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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