You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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