Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
