Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
