I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
