I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
