my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize