Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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