Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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