I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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