I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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