Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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