is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
