I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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