I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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