i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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