I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
