nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
