i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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