My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
