i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
