i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
