my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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