You can't special order awesome
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
