Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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