I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
