dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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