Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
