Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
