I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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