thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
