you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize