I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
