Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
