when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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