I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
